I have a question for you: what emotions arise in you when someone tells you what you should do? I'm sure you've had many instances in your life where you've been given advice that you didn't agree with. What was your reaction? Do you remember your friend saying to you one day, "Gary, you need to start running. You're getting fat." Or, "Tom, you need to cut that awful tangled hair." Or, "Paula, you have to stop smoking. After all, you have children." Have these tips helped you? Probably not. Remember when you were a child and your mother or father told you, "You run around too much, you should read more books", How did you feel then? Did you immediately want to go and read a book? Did you say, "Thank you, Daddy, I'll sit down to read right now"? Most likely there was a feeling of protest and denial and you didn't want to go get the book and start reading at all. Here's what my students have told me during my classes about their reactions to the "well-meaning unnecessary advice" of others.
Nancy: I smile in response, but of course, I don't do anything.
Georg: I just smile and ignore it.
Dorothy: I immediately get a sense of resistance, and I don't like it. I can't stand being forced, so I have to lie.
Brighton: I'm only sensing sarcasm.
Witney: I'm not going to do it because it's none of their business. I'm getting resistance.
Wendy: I want to please. I want to do what I'm told, but I end up shutting down and have a sense of resistance.
Carla: I'm getting really depressed.
Sam: Very often when I'm told I should change something, even though I know it's true, I won't do it, and I get annoyed because I know it's the right thing to do and I don't do it. And, of course, anger arises.
When others tell us that they know better than we do what we need to do, we get angry and frustrated, t.к. we feel like we're being controlled. We feel irritation, negativity and put a barrier between ourselves and counselors with their advice. Emotionally, we experience pain and discomfort.
This is exactly how your family will feel if you come home one day and declare, "I'm only eating raw food now." The rest of the family may be intimidated by such a statement.
Boiled food is considered the norm in our society and we are all used to it. Do you want the people you love to have feelings of protest, denial, and anger, to pull away from you when they feel controlled? And that's exactly what they will feel if one day you tell them, "I'm a raw foodist now, so don't eat that stuff in my presence anymore! The sight of cooked food makes me sick!"
We'd better do just the opposite. If you have decided to become a raw foodist, tell your family as soon as possible. Say, "You know, honey, for me I choose to go raw, but you don't have to change your diet at all. I'm not asking you to eat raw food. I have nothing against you continuing to drink beer and smoke and eat meat. I love you just the way you are. I want to change, but I don't demand it of you. I don't insist that you follow my path, be interested, or even just try raw food." Don't wait until your family starts asking your permission to eat cooked food in your presence. Tell them about your decision as soon as possible. And you'll see them breathe a sigh of relief.
We don't even have to say anything to elicit a negative reaction from the family. To some it is enough to cast a glance that will be more eloquent than the above words. For example, a woman in my class told me, "My family has a negative attitude toward my raw foodism, even though I don't force anyone to eat raw food with me. My husband has been a vegetarian for 30 years. My son is 12 and they always ask me to make them boiled food. And if I cook for them, I start eating cooked food. I don't feel any support. And my son is always teasing me about green juices and sarcastic when I eat my raw pie." I told her: "You're probably doing something that irritates your family. Observe yourself and try to catch yourself doing it. Don't follow others. Watch yourself and see what you're doing that's causing your family members to be negativized." A week later, she came to class and said: "Yes, I caught myself several times putting stilettos in painful places, making hurtful remarks or throwing irritating glances. I changed my attitude towards my family and they in turn changed their attitude towards me and it only took one week. When I accepted them for who they are, they accepted my raw foodism. Now my husband makes juice every morning and brings it to me in bed. He says, "My dear, I want you to stay on the raw food diet." Quite suddenly, my house has found peace, and even my son has begun to taste what I cook for myself."
I now teach raw food classes for a living, and I've been 100% raw for 8 years now. But if someone had told me 10 years ago to switch to raw foodism, I would have been horribly outraged. I wasn't ready at the time. We're addicted to cooked food. Dropping her is not easy. It's up to each individual to decide when it's time for them to become a raw foodist.
Another example is my friend from Denver, Colorado, Tina. She had serious health problems. For months she went to the hospital for a very painful procedure. When our family came to visit her and Tina saw us eating, she was interested. She asked: "Can you tell me how to go raw? I want to try it because I have a surgery (colostomy) in two weeks that I don't want to do." Within just a few days, Tina had regained normal peristalsis. She's gone completely raw. She avoided surgery. Tina realized she had only two choices: raw food, health and life without surgery or cooked food, surgery and eventual premature death. Tina chose life. At the time, her four children ate everything, while her husband loved vodka, beef, pork and lard, which he ate like sausage. Tina didn't tell her family that she was switching to raw food. She continued to cook for them as she had before. She told me: "I'm not going to tell them anything." I agreed with her. I said: "Don't even mention it. Don't annoy them. And they won't bother you. Tell them you don't expect them to change their diet at all." And Tina didn't say anything about changing her diet. It's been one year. We found ourselves passing through Denver again and stopped to visit Tina. The first person I saw was Tine's husband Sam, and he looked unaccustomedly good. I asked: "Sam, what happened? You've changed." He replied with a smile: "A month ago I became a 100% raw foodist. The kids have also switched to raw food and we are all very happy." I asked: "How did this happen?" And Sam told me why he became a raw foodist. About a month ago, he picked Tina up at her place of work. He arrived a little early and sat down to wait for her not far from her desk. Suddenly he noticed how his wife looked better. He saw customers flirting with his wife! He looked at his wife with new eyes. He saw her freshen up and look healthier and sexier. Suddenly he felt quite inadequate. He recounted: "I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw bags under my eyes, a red face, and gray hair. I unbuttoned my shirt and looked at the red spots on my chest. Nobody's gonna flirt with me." He realized that while Tina was getting healthier and better, he was getting older. Sam decided that he had to change his habits if he wanted to look like his wife. He said: "On the way home I started begging her to help me switch to raw food." Tina was excited to help her husband become a raw food eater, and once he switched to raw food, the kids said they only wanted to eat raw food too! Her daughter lost weight and looked beautiful and went on to compete in theater. Everything was going just fine. Tina told us that she literally feels God's will in everything that has happened, and her family's life has never been more complete than it is now. Tina was very wise. She didn't say anything to her family about going raw. She cooked and enjoyed eating her food without imposing it on her loved ones. Her body began to heal and everyone noticed the change. Because of her positive example, her family decided to go raw too.
I can give you many other good examples that show you how important it is to live in peace with those who eat cooked food. Do you realize how important this is? It's a necessity! And what do we do in real life? Just the opposite. We ruin everything around us. We're going to war. We annoy people with our raw food. Please make a conscious choice to live in peace with all those around you. You can do that. And that's when miracles can happen. When those around you stop being afraid of your pressure, they become very cooperative. We don't have the right to control others. We have no right to demand others to change when they are not ready. We have no right to dictate to them what to do. On the contrary, we owe it to others to explain that we do not expect them to change.
Does this mean your family dinners together will stop? Not at all! Go home and say to your partner, "Honey, let's have dinner together. You have your favorite pork chops and I'll have the stuffed peppers. We'll tell each other how our day went and we'll have a great time." After all, at the end of the day, a family is built on love, not food. When your family members know that you don't demand anything from them, they don't have to stress in your presence. They too can support you knowing that you are not forcing them to change. Everyone who has become a raw foodist has made that choice for good reasons. We made that choice for ourselves, not for everyone else.
When I switched to raw food, I did the opposite of what I was doing. I started telling everyone to switch to raw food as well. I stalked obese women in the store, trying to explain to them how easy it was to lose weight. I was so excited about the healthy changes that were happening in my family that I overreacted. I made a lot of enemies before I realized that everyone has to find their own way. Only when we respect the rights of others can we expect their support. We must be sincere and not be afraid to say, "Honey, please help me. I need support for my health. I need to eat raw food, t.к. when I eat boiled food, I feel like I'm falling apart. When I eat raw food, I feel a great surge of energy and health. Please help me. I don't need you to become a raw foodist. But please, on payday, instead of chocolates, buy me a ripe mango or any other exotic fruit. This is going to give me a lot of pleasure. I appreciate you taking care of me. It would really help me if you took all the cookies from the house into your car so I don't get flattered by them in a moment of weakness. I really appreciate your support."
Be firm with friends, coworkers and relatives. If you are not firm, they will continue to offer you boiled food. Don't be afraid to appear weak with family and close friends, tell them, "Look, I need your help. Eating raw food is very important to me and my health. I can't do it without your help. Back me up, don't offer me any cooked food. You can eat whatever you want, but please don't offer it to me." Asking for support is quite different than requiring them to eat raw food. Basically all people like to help, as relationships in family and between friends are built on love.
Millie is a good example. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she switched to raw foods. Her entire family, three grown sons and her husband, were against raw foodism and just hated the word "raw." Then Millie enrolled in a 12 step class. Keeping Step #4 as a foundation, Millie reexamined her relationship with her family. A few weeks after the class, she emailed me online, "My husband became proud of me! Everything changed like a magic wand! My family now realizes that I need support." Her family realizes that Millie needs support, t.к. she has cancer, and since she doesn't require them to become a raw foodist, they don't feel any pressure from her. There was peace and balance in the family.
As much as we would love for the rest of our family to experience the positive results of raw foodism, we can only control one person in the whole world - ourselves. We have no right to control our children or our parents, even if they are dying of cancer. I learned a good lesson when I flew to Russia to save my mother, who was dying of cancer, by putting her on a raw food diet. I put a lot of effort into it, going to the market every day, buying carrots and juicing my mom all day long. On the third day, as soon as I left for the market, my mother called my brother and said: "Son, please make me some scrambled eggs! I'm starving!" When I came back, there was the smell of scrambled eggs in the apartment. My brother said: "I don't want to lie to you. She asked me to do it herself." At that moment, I realized how cruel it was of me to force my mom to eat raw food. If she wasn't ready, what good would it do her? She only agreed to eat raw food because she was afraid of offending me, and she only tortured herself by thinking about cooked food all the time.
I know a young man from Seattle, Washington who shared with me that he felt very sorry for his mother who was in terrible pain. He said his mother is the closest person to him in the whole world. "I wish she would switch to raw food and stop suffering," he remarked. I asked him: "Do you know that you're making her suffer a lot more just from the mere feeling that she's not following your advice?" He replied, "I've never given it much thought." Taking a second look at the situation, he returned home and told his mother, "You know, I'm not going to insist that you try my diet anymore." A few days later, he called me and informed me: "A miracle has happened, my mom wants to try my raw food!"
I've met people who start pushing a raw food diet on their family before they've even tried it themselves. An example is Linda and Jim. After only attending her first raw food class, Linda came home and demanded that Jim convert to raw food. Coming to the next class, Linda complained that her husband was not supporting her. Somehow she managed to drag Jim to her last class. He had already developed a strong prejudice against raw foodism. However, after listening to the lecture, Jim became interested. He called me two months later to tell me that he had been 100% raw food during that time, while it was proving difficult for Linda and she started eating cooked food again.
If the people around you get suspicious that you want to force them to eat only raw food, they will constantly criticize you and provoke you to not stick to this diet. Don't argue with them or try to scientifically prove to them that you are right. Instead, tell them, "I am deeply touched by your concern for me, but trust me, I feel fine. As before, we will eat together: you will eat your food and I will eat mine." When you sit at the same table with your family or friends, don't put a simple bunch of greens on your plate, lest your loved ones think you are somehow miserable and destitute. Prepare yourself a beautifully decorated dish. Trust me, sooner or later your friends and family will want to try raw food because it tastes good. And when they try it, they'll say, "Not bad at all."
Sometimes when raw foodists put too much pressure on their folks to change, some pretty dramatic cases happen. In Phoenix, Arizona, three "anti-cheese" husbands banded together and organized a club for husbands stymied by cheese-eating wives. They meet once a week and eat pizza. I hope that this chapter will prevent the further formation of similar organizations.
How can you help the children in your families for whom you have to cook food? Your children are already dependent on cooked food, so you should gradually increase the amount of raw food in relation to cooked food. Always have a supply of raw fruits and vegetables in the house. Learn how to make raw fruit ice cream, nut milk, nut milk and fruit smoothies, "live" sweets and cakes - all the things kids love so much. Show them that raw food can be made very tasty. Invite your children to participate in raw food cooking. Buy them a cheap mixer. Most importantly, be a positive example. Most importantly, don't make a cult out of raw food. Remember, children learn from what they see. Show them that there is harmony and love at your table, that you can all sit together and enjoy family togetherness. A family is not made for food at all.
I am often asked how to behave so as not to offend relatives who associate food with love, for whom refusing to eat their food means disrespect. I usually reply that at our next meeting I will bring two liters of vodka, and if you don't drink them with me immediately, standing up, for my health, then you don't respect me as a real Russian woman. I hope most of you won't have any trouble choosing the right words to say no without offending me.
When I went to Russia to visit my relatives and started to give up traditional Russian dishes, my relatives were terribly offended at the beginning, but then, when they realized how important raw food was for me and my health, they stopped being offended. Yes, I lost some old friends, but I made a lot of new ones. My family in Russia didn't quite understand what I was doing. They thought that capitalist life in America had affected my mind or something. But a few they loved me and I loved them, I was able to explain to them that I had switched to raw food for my health and they realized how important it was to me. I showed them my before and after pictures of me transitioning to raw food. I have changed a lot for the better in two years, and they immediately saw that I looked healthier than before. They never thought I could look this good. I'm sure you can figure out how not to offend your relatives. It's up to you. If you really want to find the answer, you will always find it.
If there is an atmosphere of love in the family, it is always possible to come to mutual understanding. Eight years ago, when I told my husband that I wanted to try eating only raw for two months, he replied, "No way! I'm Russian, I'm used to eating Russian borscht with beef or pork and seasonings". Then he added: "Food brings people together and if you go on this diet, you'll see us divorced." That was his first reaction. I realized where it was coming from. But I also knew that if raw eating was really important to me, I would find the right words and be able to explain to my husband that I couldn't live without raw food. I clearly knew that raw eating was my salvation because I was seriously ill and literally dying. Raw food gave me hope to survive. I knew I would find the words to explain it..
